LOL Friday! Vet Exam…

Vet Exam

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.

The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

LOL Friday! another lawyer joke…

Lawyer on His Deathbed

Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.

“Jack, I’ve got to confess — I’ve been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I’m the father of your daughter, and I’ve been stealing from the firm for a decade.”

“Relax,” says Jack, “and don’t think another thing about it. I’m the one who put arsenic in your martini.”

LOL Friday! Grandma’s Birthday Party…

Grandma’s Birthday Party…

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

LOL Friday! Passing Football…

Passing Football

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said, “Hell yah, get a load of this!”

And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.

The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, “Hell yah!” and he sprinted from end-zone to end-zone like lightning.

The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said, “But can you pass a football?”

The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, “Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!”

LOL Friday! On a hot summer day…

On a hot summer day…

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh! If I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches… that fish will jump for the fly… and I will eat him.”

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake, preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. “Gosh!” he thought, “If that fly goes down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch.”

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly …and that bear grabs for that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime, “Gosh… if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish …and that hunter shoots that bear… and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich… then I can have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water… The fish swallows the fly… The bear grabs the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear… The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… The cat jumps for the mouse… The mouse ducks…The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is….

Whenever a fly goes down three inches… Somewhere there’s a pussy in trouble.

LOL Friday! The Barber Shop…

The Barber Shop

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.” The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”

Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”

LOL Friday! America’s Got Talent…

America’s Got Talent

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Listen,” he says to the bartender. “If i show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, is my beer on the house?” “We’ll See,” says the bartender.

So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.

“Impressive,” says the bartender, “but I’ll need to see more.”

“Hold on,” says the man.

He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings “Old Man River.”

A patron jumps up from his table and shouts “That’s absolutely incredible! I’ll give you $100 right now for the frog.”

“Sold,” says the guy.

The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.

“It’s none of my business,” says the bartender, “but you just gave away a fortune.”

“Not really,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”