Aging with Benefits … A noted sex therapist realized that people often lied about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone has had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled an auditorium with people, and went down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person’s smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately until he came to the last man in line, an elderly gentleman, who was grinning from ear to ear.
“Twice a day,” the therapist guessed. But the therapist was surprised when the man says no.
“Once a day, then?” Again the answer is no. “Twice a week?” “No.” “Twice a month?” “No.” The man finally said yes when the doctor got to “once a year.”
The therapist is angry that his theory isn’t working, and asks the elderly gentleman, “What the heck are you so happy about?”
The gent answered, “Tonight’s the night!”
Remembering Grandpa … Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
“I would like my grandchildren to say, ‘He was successful in business’,” declared the first man.
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want them to say, ‘He was a loyal family man’.”
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“Me?” the third man replied. “I want them all to say, “He certainly looks good for his age’!”
We’re OK … Two older Jewish ladies, Sophie and Fran, were shopping one afternoon, and Sophie says to Fran, “Wish me good luck. My son finally met a girl and maybe they will get married – But the only thing my son said is that she has Herpes. What is Herpes?”
Fran says, “I don’t know, but I have a medical dictionary at home and I will go home and look it up for you.”
The next day the ladies again meet, and Fran says to her friend, “Sophie it’s okay. You don’t have to worry. It’s a disease of the gentiles!”
Old Aunt Cora … Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. “It’s terrible,” she said to the doctor. “I haven’t moved my bowels in more than a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Oh, yes,” Aunt Cora replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Of course I do.” she answered, “I take a magazine.”