Two friends are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister.”
“Well,” his buddy replied, “between you and me we got ’em all.”
It’s Football Time…
A Tennessee fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Neyland Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front.
He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game, but now my wife is dead.”
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn’t find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together…
“Oh no,” the guy said, “they’re all at the funeral.”
Thinking outside of the box…
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their “urges”.
The lady said “If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don’t want it, squeeze my BOOB twice.”
The gent said “OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don’t want it, pull my DONG 48 times.”