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LOL Friday! Duck Hunting…

Duck Hunting

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to “enforce the laws.”

He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, “Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?”

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden.

The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here’s an Alabama state duck. Do you have an Alabama state hunting license?”

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden an Alabama state hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here’s a Tennessee duck. Do you have a Tennessee state hunting license?”

The hunter, a bit put out, produced a Tennessee state hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, “This here’s a Georgia state duck. Do you have a Georgia state hunting license?”

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, “You’ve got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?”

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said “You’re so smart, you tell me!”

February 24, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! Tequila…

Tequila!!

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”

“Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”

“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”

“Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”

“Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.”

The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 — but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”

“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is.”

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the damn tequila?!”

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks — but he doesn’t make a face — and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight — then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, “Now…, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”

February 17, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! What a move…

What a move …

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million”.

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

For all the Pawns, remember the Queen has more moves in the game of life.

February 10, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! A horse and a rabbit…

A horse and a rabbit…

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found.

He drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole.

The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab me and pull yourself up.”

And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes!

February 3, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! Oh, Little Johnny…

Oh, Little Johnny…

Little Johnny comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today?

He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Little Betty, the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they want to make fun of Little Johnny so they ask Little Johnny, ”How are you and Little Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?”

He replies “Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.”

His father says “That’s fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Little Betty have a baby?”

Little Johnny answers “Well, so far, we’ve been lucky…”

January 27, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! Chivalry is not dead?!?!?!

Chivalry is not dead?!?!

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and couldn’t bear passing her by.

He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, “There, little lady, that’s done!”

“Quiet,” she ordered him. “You’ll wake up my husband. He’s taking a nap in the back seat.”

January 20, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! A few jokes to start your weekend (I apologize in advance; lol)…

The Honeymoon…

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we–”

His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”

“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday…”

We can make it work…

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell.

“Marry him anyway, dear.” the Mother said. “Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how *wrong* he is.”

Oh, not another blonde joke…

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn’t done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

“I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape but static,” she says. “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?” the clerk replies.

“Head Cleaner,” Mary replies.

Two Dwarfs and Two Hookers…

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf not only can’t get an erection, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting “One, two three, uhh…one, two three, uhh…”

In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, “So how was it?”

The first dwarf says, “It sucked. I couldn’t get a hard-on all night.”

The second dwarf says, “You think that’s bad? I couldn’t even get up on the bed.”

January 13, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! Oh, the best plans…

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn’t get some loving real soon.

He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. “Now look,” the doctor said, “the only way you’re going to get it up is to say “beep,” and then to get it soft again, you say, “beep, beep.”

“How marvelous,” the old man said.

“Yes, but I must warn you,” the doctor said,” it’s only going to work three times before you die.”

On his way home, the man decided he wasn’t going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. “Beep!” he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, “beep, beep,” and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation.

At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went “beep,” and the car in the opposite lane responded with “beep beep.”

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to “speed it up.” He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. “Honey,” he shouted at her, “don’t ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hop into bed.” Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, “beep,” and he was UP.

He was ready to start when his young wife said, “What’s all this “beep beep” shit?”

January 6, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! A few Korny jokes to start your weekend!

Isn’t Love Grand 1… A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’

The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…….

Isn’t Love Grand 2… ‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’

‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.

Lessons Learned… You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids for they will choose your nursing home one day.

December 30, 2011 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! Sunday School Class…

Sunday School Class…

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Davie waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!”

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.

Little Davie said, “Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”

December 9, 2011 Posted by | humor | , , , , , | Leave a Comment

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