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LOL Friday! America’s Got Talent…

America’s Got Talent

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Listen,” he says to the bartender. “If i show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, is my beer on the house?” “We’ll See,” says the bartender.

So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.

“Impressive,” says the bartender, “but I’ll need to see more.”

“Hold on,” says the man.

He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings “Old Man River.”

A patron jumps up from his table and shouts “That’s absolutely incredible! I’ll give you $100 right now for the frog.”

“Sold,” says the guy.

The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.

“It’s none of my business,” says the bartender, “but you just gave away a fortune.”

“Not really,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

May 25, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! Oh No, Not another Blonde Joke…

Oh No, Not another Blonde Joke…

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York; and I’m not moving.”

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear.

She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t someone just say so?”

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”

May 18, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

LOL Friday! Newlyweds, Late in Life…

Newlyweds, Late in Life…

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about Viagra?”

Pharmacist: “Of course.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”

May 11, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! The Physical…

The Physical

Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results.

Dr. Smith said, “George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?”

George replied, “God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!…the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!”

“Wow,” commented Dr. Smith, ‘That’s incredible!”

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife. “Thelma,” he said, “George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?”

Thelma replied, “Oh God! He’s peeing in the fridge again!”

May 4, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! Aphorisms of Cynicism…

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Buying a lie is one thing, giving it away for free is quite another.

Be your own hero, it’s cheaper than a movie ticket.

I don’t want any “yes-men” around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Never deprive someone of hope — it may be all they have.

If you were arrested for kindness, would there be enough evidence to convict you?

April 27, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! The Bridge Club Meets Every Thursday…

The Bridge Club Meets Every Thursday…

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time.

“Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He’s going to be so angry if it’s not ready on time.” And she dashes out of her friend’s house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! “Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!” And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him,” they say, or “He’s just yanking your chain,” but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass.”

April 20, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! Bragging at a Cocktail Party…

Bragging at a Cocktail Party…

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride.

Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis.”

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terre Haute for two weeks.”

The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”

“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself, said the third woman: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”

April 13, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! a senior bikini???

April 6, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

LOL Friday! Climbing the Ladder to Success…

Climbing the Ladder to Success…

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.

Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds.

He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair….. She looks at him, beckons, and says, “Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.”

Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder.

A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. “Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success, “she says.

Again, the man elects to continue his climb.

Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. “Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.”

Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.

A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he’s ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, “Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.”

Well, needless to say he is *very* tempted. But he just can’t imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher.

On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty….. “Who are you?” our climber asks in horror.

Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, “Hi. I’m Cess.

March 30, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

LOL Friday! Have you been drinking?…

Have you been drinking?

Brendan staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Brendan sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Brendan woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

Brendan said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

March 23, 2012 Posted by | humor | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment

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